Breaking Free of the Invisible Cage

BREAKING FREE OF THE INVISIBLE CAGE

VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL abuse leaves scars the world cannot physically see.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates such emotional and mental anguish.

If you’ve ever experienced it, you know exactly what I am talking about.

You know verbal and emotional abuse can happen in intimate relationships and parent-child relationships, but it can also happen between employer and employee, in friendships, and between siblings – just to name a few.

You also know, verbal and emotional abuse has no boundaries. It does not matter the color of your skin, your gender, your relationship preferences, or your socio-economic standing.

There are NO BOUNDARIES it doesn’t cross.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates constant self-doubt. You overcriticize everything you do, because you have been convinced, you’ll never measure up. You go above and beyond in all you do trying to prove to the world, and to some degree yourself, that you are good enough. You’re looking for the approval of others, after years, maybe decades of being told no one will ever want you.

We all want to be wanted and accepted, but unfortunately verbal and emotional abuse leaves you doubting anyone will ever want you or will accept you.

The abuse creates more than just insecurity. You end up living a life full of gut-wrenching anxiety and depression. The kind of anxiety, where you can’t eat because it causes your stomach to hurt. The kind of anxiety you wonder if the physical and emotional pain will ever end. The kind of anxiety you feel you are in a pit of despair and will never get out.

This anxiety can build to the point you hate going anywhere. The thought of putting on a brave face and acting like the perfect couple for the world is mentally and physically exhausting.

BUT you know if you do not put the “happy” mask on, it will be hell to pay when you return home. Sometimes it doesn’t even wait until you get home. Sometimes it starts as soon as you are out of ear shot of anyone else.

Thoughts race through your mind, will this time be one of the physical times or just more of the violent, abusive slurs of, “you know you are about worthless”, “I have no idea why I put up with you and you embarrassing me all the time”, “you know, no one would ever want you. You’re lucky to have me.”

You are so good at hiding the abuse, the world sees a picture perfect you and assumes everything in your life is amazing.

A big part of this is because there are no bruises or black eyes for the world to see.

You are a pro at wearing the mask.

You become physically ill every time you have to put the mask on. It is so heavy.

BUT you must wear the mask for fear of the repercussions if you do not.

You live in SILENT DESPAIR. You are desperately crying inside for help.

In this silence, in your mind, you believe everything they say to you. You even begin to tell yourself they are right, and you are wrong.

Deep down you know you are both wrong.

In silence you grieve who you once were. You fear never becoming who you know you can be. You crave to be this person. They even show up in your daydreams, but quickly vanish by the perceived reality of the invisible cage.

In silence you cringe at the thought of them touching you tenderly, but you put on the mask once more and play the game. Go through the cycle knowing it will be short lived.

In silence you suffer alone.

In silence you feel such a magnitude of despair.

Over time you become physically ill more frequently. This of course makes you even more useless than you already were told you were.

You know what is going on isn’t right, BUT then here comes the REMORSE CYCLE full of: “I’m sorry’ s”, “I love you’s”, “I can’t imagine life without you’s”, the gifts and tenderness.

You think – “maybe this time they really will change”, “maybe this time they see what they are doing is wrong and they really mean they are sorry”, “maybe they really do love me they just don’t know how to show it.”

The TRUTH is the excuses NEVER STOP – for either of you.

They never stop apologizing with a ‘blame’ tag on the end of it. They never stop giving their reasons for their behavior – usually your fault. And worst of all, you never stop making excuses for them, and why you deserve to be treated that way.

Verbal and emotional abuse cuts so DEEP and leaves behind the invisible scars.

10 SIGNS OF VERBAL and EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

1. NAME CALLING – “Loser. Worthless. Stupid. How dumb can one person be?”

2. BLAME – “This would not have happened if you would not have (fill in the blank).”

3. GASLIGHTING – “Why are you so sensitive?”

4. MANIPULATION – “You wouldn’t do that if you really loved me.”

5. THREATS – “I’ll kill myself if you ever leave me.”

6. MONITOR YOUR WHERABOUTS – “I noticed your car at the gym, did you actually workout. Why do you have five phone calls to XYZ?”

7. INSULTS – “Are you sure you’ve been working out, because you need to try harder or go to a different gym.”

8. LEAVE – They act sweet, then start an argument so they can walk out on you in the middle of. “I’m out of here. I’ll be back whenever I think you’ll change your behavior.”

9. ACCUSATIONS – “I notice you took longer at the store today than usual, are you cheating on me?”

10. DEMANDING RESPECT – This is a one-way street. “I work hard to provide you with this home and a nice life, you will do (fill in the blank).”

Were you able to say ‘YES’ to any of these signs?

This is a very short list of the possible signs you’ll experience if you are being verbally and emotionally abused. Believe me if you have doubts and cannot give a definitive ‘no’, then you need to examine your relationship.

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar to you? THEY WERE TO ME.

BUT…What if you CHOSE to leave?

• Have you had any of these thoughts?

• Is there a way out? (instant sick feeling in your stomach)

• How will I survive? (fear of being able to financially support yourself)

• Will they let me leave?

• Where will I live?

• How will I afford food?

• But then everyone will know. (Instant fear and embarrassment)

• What will I tell my family? (feelings of shame and more embarrassment)

• Will my friends believe me? (self-doubt)

• How will I ever get over this? (despair)

• No one will ever want me…I’m damaged goods now. (self-loathing, low self-worth)

• How will I ever trust anyone again?

• I’m terrified.

All these thoughts create an emotional rollercoaster. You feel everything: helplessness, fear, doubt, despair, ANXIETY, shame, worthlessness, but also EXCITEMENT, HOPE, a glimpse of FREEDOM.

As I stated above, I am well acquainted with the nature and cycle of a supposed loved one’s verbal and emotional abuse.

I GOT OUT AND SO CAN YOU!

In brief, it was 1998 when I got out, but it was still a year long journey before I was totally rid of the horror, I lived with for seven years.

Locked in. I spent two years preparing to leave.

Stashing away change hoping could amount to something more, even freedom.

Bed linens, food storage containers at a friend’s house for safekeeping, hoping I would someday use them.

I made minimum wage – had to survive somehow.

I knew once I found the strength to leave, I would be leaving with NOTHING but myself and my six-year-old son.

The time came, the opportunity to escape, but no matter how much I prepared, the years of conditioning kept me chained to his words, his venom.

I had mustered up the bravery and resources to remove my physical self from this captivity, yet I found myself deeply entrenched in the invisible confines of my mind, still filled with the vile, hateful words that I had endured.

I spent a year avoiding and fighting him. He would swing from “I love you, please come back”, and when I demanded he go to anger management and we see a marriage counselor; he would say words I cannot put in print.

He would resort to trying to scare me into returning, by putting out the pilot light in the house I was staying in, and to punishment, by raping me. Telling me the whole time that he knew I really liked it. It took me years not to pull over to the side of the road and vomit whenever I’d see his vehicle in town.

Keep in mind this was just two years after the laws were changed where a husband could no longer ‘legally’ rape his own wife. We were only separated at the time, so the small-town police were no help.

So, when I tell you “I get it”, I mean it, I sincerely do get it.

HOW TO MOVE FROM JUST SURVIVING TO THRIVING

Thriving was not an overnight event for me. It took me nearly 20 years to feel like I’m more than just a survivor.

However, if I knew in 1998 what I know now, my healing journey would have looked so much different.

I GUARANTEE if I knew then what I know now I would have healed so much FASTER.

Instead I spent years trying different churches, various spiritual outlets, therapists (talk therapy), and lots and lots of medication for the anxiety, depression and stomach issues I developed from the anxiety. Was told I suffered from PTSD due to the trauma I experienced.

Oh, the labels.

I’m not saying any of these are ineffective or were a bad experience. What I am saying is they were not enough and did not work as fast as I would have liked.

I did make improvements in my life and had started seeing my value. I was working to ‘WILL’ myself to be happy and not allow my past to affect my future relationships. And I did okay for the most part, but I knew there had to be MORE.

I knew I WANTED MORE, and I was worthy of more.

I did not want a mediocre relationship.

I did not want a mediocre life.

REAL change comes when you WANT the change.

REAL change comes when you are ready to work with your subconscious mind.

The subconscious mind is where our habits, memories, automatic bodily functions, and beliefs reside.

Let me break this down for you a little further:

• HABITS: Being overly cautious with everything you say and do for fear of rejection or being embarrassed by someone publicly correcting you.

• MEMORIES: You can receive relief and healing from the trauma you have survived so they are not always at the forefront of your mind.

• AUTOMATIC BODILY FUNCTIONS: The subconscious mind controls our heart, lungs and our muscles. If you heal the trauma, then we can stop flinching every time a person touches you. Or maybe you don’t get sick to your stomach at the thought of being intimate.

• BELIEFS: You can heal and stop believing you are worthless. Stop believing you are stupid. Stop believing you have to be perfect. Can start believing you deserve to be happy. You are worthy. You should be treated with kindness. You are wanted.

No, I am not talking about clucking like a chicken or swinging watches.

I am talking about the most relaxed, calm, non-addictive method of healing to have ever been experienced.

Talk therapy is how my journey to hypnotherapy started. By a happy accident, I chose a therapist who also is a certified hypnotherapist.

I scoured the internet for therapist and found someone local.

When I first walked into her office, I immediately felt at ease. She was kind, understanding, and genuinely had my best interest at heart.

This is not my first time in talk therapy, but I was still trying to feel better.

There was a study by Albert Barrios published in the American Health Magazine on the effectiveness of various modalities on any given topic which revealed:

“Psychoanalysis had a 38% recovery after 600 sessions, Behavior Therapy had a 72% recovery after 22 sessions, and Hypnotherapy had a 93% recovery after 6 sessions.”

That is amazing!

This means you do not have to suffer needlessly.

You do not have to live with the past, the trauma haunting you forever.

You CAN HEAL…You CAN THRIVE!

HYPNOTHERAPY SAVED MY LIFE

As mentioned above, I was fortunate to have chosen a therapist who was also a certified hypnotherapist. In one of our sessions one day, she asked me if I was willing to try hypnotherapy. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point.

Unfortunately, it is common for people go to hypnotherapy as a last resort.

The first session was very relaxing. I was calmer than I can ever remember being in my entire life. I knew immediately I had more work to do, so I scheduled a second and third session.

After the third session, I was no longer needing the stomach medications (which weren’t really helping anymore anyway). Plus, I was completely off my anxiety medications. YES!

Consciously I had removed myself from the relationship, but it was hypnotherapy saved me.

Hypnotherapy allowed me to rebuild my life.

Keep in mind I had years of neural conditioning. Years of being told I was “useless and no one would ever want me.”

This deeply engrained programming of the brain does not change in the conscious mind – at least not for years. I had been in and out of talk therapy and using medication to manage my anxiety and yes, I was getting some improvement – BUT not like I did with hypnotherapy.

By finally using hypnotherapy to work with my subconscious mind, REAL change could happen.

I was able to move from an anxiety-ridden life and hanging on by a thread to THRIVING.

This whole experience led me to attend Grace Space Hypnotherapy School. I knew I wanted to help others, like me. I wanted to help people realize they do not have to live with the trauma haunting them for the rest of their lives. They too can also THRIVE.

HOW DOES HYPNOTHERAPY WORK?

Hypnotherapy is safe, effective, and the most relaxing experience you will ever have.

Your sessions may be in person, on the phone or on a live chat - they are all extremely effective.

You can even have a hypnotherapy session from the comfort of your home. All you’ll need are headphones or earbuds, a good phone or internet connection and a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.

You can have your session sitting in your car somewhere, if you prefer.

You may sit or lie down – whatever makes you comfortable.

Sit back with your headphones on and RELAX.

Remember above, how I said the subconscious mind is where your habits, memories, automatic bodily functions, and beliefs reside? Well, hypnosis by-passes your conscious mind, the critical factor of your brain, to work with your subconscious mind. Because the conscious mind is where your logical, analytical, linear thinking, and will power resides. You cannot ‘will’ yourself to stop flinching at touch.

During your session you are taken to a very relaxed state. A deeper relaxed state than meditation, prayer, or even daydreaming.

In this state, you are able to tap into the subconscious part of your brain to create healing and start peeling away all those layers of verbal and emotional abuse.

Here you can peel away what you have been told you were and thought you had to be.

Here you can peel away any limitations that were put on you by them or yourself.

While peeling back those layers of false mindsets and behaviors, you are also rebuilding.

You are building your new story.

You are building your new life.

You will start to recognize the person from your daydreams.

You will start to recognize the person you once were before the abuse started.

You will start to recognize the person you want to be.

Each session you will feel even more RELAXED and MORE ALIVE.

HOW CAN YOU BEGIN YOUR HYPNOTHERAPY JOURNEY?

• First, you decide you are ready for change. You WANT to move past the abuse.

• Decide you no longer want the abuse to define who you are.

• Decide you no longer want the abuse to define your life.

• Since hypnotherapy is not mind control, you must WANT the result. Your hypnotherapist cannot ‘will’ you to want to be better. This must be your goal.

• Second, find a certified hypnotherapist (online or local).

• Lastly, make the appointment, show up, do the work, RELAX, and RECOVER.

WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR CHANGE, HYPNOTHERAPY CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.

PLEASE seek help. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 22522. You are not alone.